Sunday 19 December 2010

Taking The Piste

Having grown up hearing the Old Blazer talk about global warming, the migratory habits of sperm wales, and the dangers that oblong buildings pose to the environment, it should come as no surprise when I say that I don’t believe a word of it.

I don’t deny that I’m a climate change denier but I do deny that my denial is anything but well-reasoned.

Take it from a man who understands snow as well as he knows his way around a French chalet maid keen on English mustard but there’s nothing unseasonable about a drop of the white stuff around Christmas. If there was, Santa would have wheels on his sleigh and would have chosen something with more grip than a rosaceated reindeer to power his drive train. In all probability, he’d be riding a Japanese quad bike and breaking and entering via through a window left open on a warm muggy night rather than the chimney.

Not that the Press would have you believe any different. If they didn’t have ‘unseasonable’ snow, they wouldn’t be able to bore the pants back on us.

You want the facts of climate change? Well here they are:

  • November to April, you can always be sure of some good skiing at Klosters;
  • it’s never too cold for the open-necked look the chickeroos love so much;
  • all times of the year, it’s always going to be cold sleeping on the floor of airport, so don’t complain when you wake up shivering and with your pockets pinched;
  • if times get really tough and you begin to think about chopping up furniture to feed the fire, you should begin with a highly combustible 336 pages. There’s enough there to keep you warm until February;
  • and, finally, it's never too cold for a good pun on the word 'piste'.

Regius Gingiber!

2 comments:

  1. Wales: A principality to the west of England.
    Whales: A large mammal that swims.

    Is this an invite only blog?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Only in the sense that I'm immensely delighted to invite all and sundry, especially if sundry is blonde and brings a bottle.

    ReplyDelete